To me it’s not a legislative issue, it’s just good manners. You’re not being un-American when you burn the flag, you’re just being a big pain in the ass.
—
The supreme court has now turned the issue of abortion over to the states… Hey folks, the states can’t pave fuckin’ roads, okay?
—Two of my favorite quotes from Dennis Miller circa 1989.
Can I base a religion around this?
I have never agreed with anything more in my life (both the video and radville’s sentiment regarding it).
“Welcome to flight… uh… something or other.”
“If you don’t know how to use your seatbelt please raise your hand. I will come over to help, and slightly ridicule, you.”
“Please look forward and pretend to pay attention in order to make me feel better about myself while doing this safety presentation.”
—Spoken in perfect deadpan by our hilarious flight attendant Charlie
Every Female Online Dating Profile… EVER.
In honor of Valentine’s Day I wanted to share with you my findings regarding online dating. While this is funny, it’s not really a joke. This is honestly what every profile I’ve ever read looks like.
-
Occupation:
Teacher
Drinks:
About once a week
Smokes:
Never (I’ve filtered it so I don’t get anyone who smokes, so that makes sense)
Faith:
Spiritual, but not religious.
What do you look for in a guy?
He has to have a sense of humor because I love to laugh. And he has to be honest. Honesty is very important to me. Basically I really want someone to relax with and be myself around.
Besides your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life?
My grandmother. She was such a strong woman and I learned a lot from her.
What are three things you could not live without / are most thankful for?
Family
Friends
My dog and/or cat.
What do you like to do?
I love to travel! I want to go everywhere! I also try to stay active by working out or doing things outdoors. But sometimes I just like to stay in for a quiet night with a nice bottle of wine.
When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney, and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter. From Punxsutawney, it’s Phil Connors. So long.
PEOPLE I LOVE
I decided to counter point the cantankerousness of my last rant by spreading some appreciation to a couple other groups of people.
People With Fastlane / EasyPay - Thank you for keeping traffic moving and having common sense enough to know it’s a necessary item for all drivers. I think it should be mandated by law at this point. And those without it, don’t give me this, “I rarely drive on toll roads” nonsense. I rarely swim, but I still own a bathing suit.
People Who Don’t Spoil Movies - If you stop yourself mid public conversation about a movie because someone nearby hasn’t seen it yet, pat yourself on the back. You make this world a better, safer place to live in.
People Whose Religious Beliefs I Don’t Know (Unless I’ve Asked) - I generally have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding religion / faith. So if I don’t know how you worship (if at all) it means you have not gone out of your way to tell me, which I respect. It’s a private matter and those who don’t treat it as such need to learn George Carlin’s addition to the commandments: “Keep thy religion to thyself.”
People Who Ask Before Adjusting Something In Someone Else’s Car - Thank you for recognizing the balance of power in an automobile. Undoubtably the driver will say, “yea, go ahead,” but it’s always appreciated when you ask first. It’s just common courtesy.
PEOPLE I CAN’T STAND
[Warning: Explicit Language Follows]
People Who Talk During Movies - This needs to be on every list like this. It’s a given.
People Who ‘Don’t Watch TV’ - They’re almost as bad as the people who proudly proclaim, “I don’t even own a TV.” I love Netflix as much as the next guy but stop being a freeloader and get a goddamn cable box so I don’t need to wait 18 months to talk to you about what happened on Mad Men.
People Who Are Anti-Facebook - Just get over your fuckin’ self, will ya? You’re not taking a stand against some grand injustice. It’s the second most visited site on the web! You just want to be a controversial pain in the ass. And in case you hadn’t noticed: nobody is listening to whatever bullshit reasons you heard on Dateline but claim as your own, we’re all too busy checking Facebook.
People Who Assume If Numbers Are a Part of Something, It Automatically Involves ‘Math’ and Thus, They’re Not Interested - You don’t have to be Pythagoras to try a Sudoku puzzle, I promise.
People Who Say They Hate Their Cars - That car (plus the Eisenhower Interstate System) provides you with a level of freedom most people can only dream of. You couldn’t live your life as you currently do without it. Period. Plus, it always seems like the people who don’t like their cars have the messiest ones. Maybe if you stopped being a child and picked up after yourself you wouldn’t mind sitting in that piece of shit.
People Who Say They Liked a Band Before They Were Big - Never, under any circumstances, is this okay to say.
People Who Force You To Take Your Shoes Off When You Enter Their Residence - If you own a floor then you willingly accept the risk that someone might walk on it. If you invite me over, you’re inviting all of me over, footwear included. (If there are extreme weather circumstances involved, I, as a guest, will offer out of courtesy. But don’t tell me to do shit after you called me.)
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
—Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
—Dave Barry
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